I wrote this during the time I was seeing a counselor while in school… over a year ago. I decided to finish it because this could help someone…
Before I started to speak to someone, I thought my life had to be okay. I thought I had to simply absorb all my feelings and act like I was fine. I was always happy no matter what happened to me, or I just didn’t let things phase me. After my mom passed, my life had changed. I have to say, I thought failing out of nursing school was bad, but now I know that losing a person so close to you is the worst feeling ever. So one day while seeing my counselor before attending class, she said “Julia, it’s okay to not be okay.” Honestly, at the time I didn’t understand that because I thought I had to be okay. Everyone was depending on me to finish school and make my mom proud… which was a struggle but I did it. Everyone knew me to be happy, always smiling, always being positive… so I thought I had to be that happy Julia everyone knew. During this process, I learned it was important to confront my feelings and problems because it will eventually catch up with me, where I won’t have much control over them, which eventually happened.
Because this was written over a year ago, I would like to reflect on how I am now. Life isn’t easy, but it has become bearable in a way. I am able to channel my emotions in different areas of my life, such as working. I used to worry about other people being happy, which I often neglected myself. I still put people first, but my feelings are put into the equation too. I guess because mom worked all the time, that trait or characteristic of her has definitely been passed down. Although I’m always working, I’m thankful I’m able to find balance. I don’t suppress my feelings anymore, I guess everything is shown in my face, so if I’m tired or have an attitude, it is definitely known. I am living for myself slowing and surely although this is still a process. I’m trying new things and just living life a little on the edge now that I was some time. Because education is important to me, I still try to take a class I’m interested in here and there. Everything isn’t peaches and cream, but I’m smoothing them out.
If you or anyone is struggling with wanting to be okay while not being okay, whether through a loss or just being in difficult stage in life, it’s okay to not be okay because you’re not alone. Although you might feel alone, just know there are many people going through the same things just differently. And don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help because you will never know how someone or something will help you unless you actually reach out. We go through trails and tribulations, only for those things to make us ultimately stronger. Deal with whatever you are going through because it is bound to come up when you don’t it to.
Someone will always care about you even through your darkness moments. Sometimes, we have to evaluate life in order to know there is still a shining light at the end of the tunnel.